So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
