Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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