WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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