well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
