i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
