WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
