Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I don't deserve a penis
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
