I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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