i think my mom watched the whole time
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
