Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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