I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
