Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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