there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
