I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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