i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs