You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.