Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep