party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila