I'm retarded. Again.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity