Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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