Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
