His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
