Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
