I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
