Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You pole danced in your parka.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
