i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
