i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
