We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
