you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
