just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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