I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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