Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Can i not drive my cunt home
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
