I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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