You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
