So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
