There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
