Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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