Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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