I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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