i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
