i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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