Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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