I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I deserve this hangover.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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