I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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