I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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