I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
