Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
