I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
