Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
