That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
