I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
