BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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