a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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