cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
