After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
