From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
false alarm, still single
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
