I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I wear drunk well.
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