Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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