Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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